Shakespeare goes into his local, walks up to the bar and orders a pint. ‘No chance’ the landlord says. ‘Why not? says Will. The landlord shakes his head, ‘I’ve told you, your bard.’……………yes that was pretty awful, I’m sorry.
I’ve been writing shit poems for years and I think it’s about time that I inflicted them onto the unwary few that read my blog. I’d like to be the next Hovis Presley or John Cooper Clarke but I’m more like Rick from the young ones.
Anyway here’s the first one:
I WANDERED LONELY WITH A CLOWN
I wandered lonely with a clown I met one night in Alderley Edge
He shoes were big and his nose was red
He was pissed and I pulled him from a Hawthorn hedge
He’d been for a curry; said his name was Reg
He said he had a passion for growing veg
I said that I didn’t believe him.
I asked him how he landed here
He gave me a grin which was more like a leer
He said he’d been with Clarkson from Top Gear
His Aston Martin was parked near here
He said they’d been for a Vindaloo and beer
I said that I didn’t believe him.
We walked for a while, he was honking his clowns horn
I said “you’ll wake the neighbours it’s getting near dawn”
Then we sat for a while on somebody’s lawn
And he told me he was big in Porn
I was bored with his lies and I started to yawn
I said that I didn’t believe him.
I couldn’t get rid of this red wigged fool
I don’t talk to strangers when I’m out as a rule
He was dressed like a clown, though he looked like tool
He said he’d installed Wayne Rooney’s pool
He told me Alex Ferguson was really cool
I said that I didn’t believe him.
We’d reached my house and he still wouldn’t shift
I said “see you mate” but he didn’t catch my drift
I had to make a move and I had to do it swift
He gave me a hug and his armpits whiffed
He said “Jenson Button’s going to give me a lift”
I said that I didn’t believe him.
While we were waiting for Jenson to arrive
The bastard started singing ‘I will survive’
He was telling me how good it felt to be alive
When Jenson’s Ferrari came skidding up my drive
Jenson got out, gave the clown a High Five
He turned and said “now do you believe me?”
This next poem was inspired by my first impressions of Wilmslow and Alderley Edge when I moved here quite a while ago now. Wilmslow isn’t quite so bad but I still get followed around the Hooper’s department store so I avoid going there if I can. Alderley is a great people watching place but I can still feel a little like Cinderella before the transformation when we go there. Hope you like my ode to misfits and those who don’t fit the bill!
LAST BUS TO GEEK TOWN
It can be a bit grim if you’re not stick thin
If your hair isn’t long then you won’t fit in
If you’re over 6 stone and your nose is your own
You’d better take the last bus to geek town.
You’ll be followed around when you walk in the store
If you’re bag is by Primark and not Dior
If you haven’t got a Porsche then you’re just too poor
So you’d better take the last bus to geek town.
If you haven’t had Botox to make your face tight
If your skin is still white then that can’t be right
This is no place for you on a Saturday night
Just get on that last bus to geek town
You’d better learn to air kiss and smile like you mean it
Make sure that staying rich is part of your remit
Spend on your card till it’s up to the limit
Or you’ll be on the last bus to geek town
Whatever you do don’t smile at a local
They’ll just thing your weird or some kind of yokel
Try and get in a club and some big bloke will
Shove you on the last bus to geek town
It’s all footballers’ wives with stars in their eyes
The people round here are intent on the prize
It’s really not for you so take my advice
Book your ticket for the last bus to geek town.
This next one is about a gentleman with a taste for unusual looking ladies. They do say there is someone out there for everyone!
MY LOVE IS LIKE A RED, RED ROSE
My love is like a red, red, rose
At least that’s the colour of her nose
She’s got hair on her hands and on her toes
But she’s mine and I love her
We get strange looks when we walk down the street
You could ride your bike through the gaps in her teeth
She got webbed feet which is quite unique
But she’s mine and I love her
My mates say she smells like the undead
But I don’t care cos she’s great in bed
She takes out her teeth when she gives me head
And she’s mine and I love her
She’ll never be my blushing bride
She won’t walk down the aisle as her hips are too wide
But putting all of that aside
She’s mine and I love her
When we make love I could get concussed
By a blow to the head from her fifty inch bust
It’s worth the risk when she fills me with lust
Cos she’s mine and I love her
She drove the bus of love and I got on it
You wouldn’t believe what’s under her bonnet
That’s why I had to write this sonnet
She’s mine and I love her.
I wrote this as a protest poem after too many long walks…..nuff said.
DARK SKIES AND SHEEP SHIT
Come for a walk in the Peak District
You said one Saturday morning
I wasn’t quite awake yet
I was scratching my arse and yawning
Ok I said ‘How long’s this walk?’
You said ‘Just eighteen miles’
I wondered how my feet would cope
I worried for your piles
We set of way too early
We were there by half past nine
I was struggling with a hangover
From cider and red wine
The first five miles were easy
In fact they were rather pleasant
We rambled along country paths
Passing horses, sheep and Pheasant
It got to mile eleven
We stopped to rest and eat
I said my legs were buggered
I’d got blisters on my feet
When we had done fifteen miles
My enthusiasm was waning
I was sick of sheep and cow shit
And it had started raining
When we had done eighteen miles
I could not have got much wetter
Then the sun came out, the rain dried up
And I started feeling better
I’d realised I’d enjoyed the walk
I stood in contemplation
To think I had walked eighteen miles
Was quite a revelation
I’d like to do it all again
Maybe next weekend
Because ten hours alone with you
Is time I’ll gladly spend
Well I did warn you! Hope you enjoyed my daft ditties, maybe they’ll inspire you to try to write one yourself. If you have a go, post one to me I’d love to read it!
xxxxxxx
ou est la chat? 